Service Rep: Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software Company help desk. How may I help you?
Customer: I just received your latest program, LOVE version 4.0...you know....the freeware. I dont understand it. Can tell me how to install it?
Rep: Sure thing, ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and instructions with you?
Customer: Yes, I do, but first can you tell me what the program does?
Rep: Sure thing, ma'am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system and runs silently in the background, you will never see LOVE on your monitor or your toolbar, but you will notice its affect on every application you may have. It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly restricts and/or deletes the bad ones.
Customer: Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run smoother?
Rep: Well, good sound files, like compliment.wav, encouragement.wav, and kindword.wav will play frequently. Also, forgiveness.exe will be invoked every time there is an external violation, including the ever-popular syntax errors. Also, all those aggravating errors that say "unable to connect" will be avoided. LOVE allows for a smooth connection with external devices, regardless of what country it is manufactured in, the brand name, or the age of the model.
Customer: That's exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated for too long. But what about the bad programs?
Rep: Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like hate.exe, bitterness.exe, selfish.exe, and spite.exe. These programs cant be entirely deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE overpowers those programs. LOVE stops their commands from being executed and runs its own instructions. You will no longer hear insult.wav and you wont be able to write with the fonts badwords12 or harshness10.
Customer: That's a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free too?
Rep: They sure are, ma'am.
Customer: How do I get the upgrades?
Rep: That's easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every external Harddrive Email And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in contact with. In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they have and return a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every module that you receive. But you have to remember, to receive the upgrades you have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with other computers while it is running.
Customer: I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first?
Rep: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART, ma'am?
Customer: Yes, I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running?
CS Rep: What programs are running, ma'am?
Customer: Let me see....I have pasthurt.exe, lowesteem.exe, grudge.exe, and resentment.exe running right now.
Rep: No problem. LOVE will automatically erase pasthurt.exe from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite lowesteem.exe with a module of its own called highesteem.exe. However, you have to completely turn off grudge.exe and resentment.exe. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off, ma'am?
Customer: I dont know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Rep: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke forgiveness.exe. Do this as many times as necessary until grudge.exe and resentment.exe have been completely erased.
Customer: Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal?
Rep: Yes, it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message?
Customer: Yes, I do. Is it completely installed?
Rep: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTs in order to get the upgrades.
Customer: Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do?
Rep: What does the message say?
Customer: It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean?
CS Rep: Dont worry, ma'am; that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms, it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others.
Customer: So what should I do?
Rep: Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"?
Customer: Yes, I have it.
Rep: Excellent, you are getting good at this.
Customer: Thank you.
Rep: Youre welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: forgiveself.doc, selfesteem.txt, realizeworth.txt, and goodness.doc. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete selfcritic.exe from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.
Customer: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. smile.mpg is playing on my monitor right now, and it shows that warmth.exe, peace.exe, and contentment.exe are copying themselves all over my HEART!
Rep: Then, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go.
Rep: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will, in turn, share it with other people, and they will return some really neat modules back to you.
Customer: I will. Thank you for your help.